Assalamualaikum and hi guys. I'm here to tell you about my feelings when I lost my friend. I'll refer him as Ali. Ali is a dear friend to me, though we aren't that close and to be honest, I don't really know what would he think of me. But he's a good friend, really (sobs).
He left this world at such a young age, but older than me, and I won't lie, I am so sad, I was devastated. We weren't really close but we talked. At first, I just felt that he was missing on a lot of things in this world. There was so many things yet to be explored, to be discovered, to be learnt, to be known, but he missed all that. But, he died in a peaceful way though. So I am glad that he could die in a peaceful way, like, so peaceful so calm that I felt a moment of jealousy in my heart.
After his death, my perspective kinda changed. I could not stop crying since last Friday (26th June 2020) until the 2nd of July 2020. I could not live my life properly, or would I say, normally, again because he just left just like that. It took a lot of courage in me to write this but I knew that I have to vent it all out.
So, he left. I cried a lot and my mom was really worried. She was worried because I would stare blankly across the room, and I could not even talk properly again with my family members. I also could not contact my friends as usual. I did not talk to them during this moment. I would also tend to forget everything that was happening in my life and the only thing that I thought about was only my "time".
'I would go too. So there's no need to engage in anything in this world' was the only thing that I was thinking in my head.
Every night, when I tried to sleep, I would remember him even though I tried very hard not too and then I would end up crying so hard. I thought I was about to lose my mind. But then, when I remembered the moment of his death, he was so calm. He was so calm, that I finally able to accept his death and understand what his death taught me.
I understand that even though I felt like he was missing out a lot, he was definitely not. And that was because he was so calm at the moment of his death, that I felt a beat in my heart that I was jealous of him at the time. Of course, I felt that life was unfair too, for me and for him, but again, this was all only based on my understanding, only based on my view, my perspective.
And as a Muslim, I forgot that everything was already planned perfectly by Allah. I thought life was unfair when actually everything was perfect, if I put my trust and believe 100% in Allah. Not 90, 80 or even 99%, but 100%. I would not lie, I did felt that my life was worthless and everything was just nothing. Like, who cares about eating? I would die eventually, so why bother eating? I was so sad and devastated that I was blinded by Allah's grace and mercy.
I fully forgot that eating helped me to do work and deeds instructed by Allah and encouraged by Rasulullah s.a.w. I cried so hard, even when I was praying, my tears would suddenly flow from my eyes. Even when I was trying to laugh normally, I would suddenly cry in my laugh. My heart felt so heavy, like there was an extra gravity force pushing on it and even though I cried a waterfall, that heavy feeling would not go away.
So I turned back to Him, asking and praying for His Mercy and Kindness, for His Grace and begging Him to take this feeling away. I talked about this with my mother and sister. I talked to them that his death was so unfair, and why I felt so unsatisfied with his death. My mother helped me a lot. Every night she would let me hug her for as long as I wanted even though she needed to sleep early as she worked the next day.
Later on, I have started to regain my composure back. I could engage in conversations with my family, I could spend my evening playing sports with my youngest brother and sister and I could also focus back on my work as usual. I am forever grateful for what Allah has stored for me. I cried less now and even though he was calm when he left, it was still heart-wrenching for me, but I have not cried as much as I did as before. I learnt that I should just enjoy whatever feeling that I felt during this journey. I learnt that it was not wrong to be sad, but the living have to keep on living, right?
His death also acted as a signal for me. Maybe I have been to forgetful of Him, or leka as to be described in Malay. I learnt that every life was meaningful. I also learnt that it was okay that I forgot, it was okay that I made a mistake but never missed praying to Him and never missed to repent for the mistake that I have done. Maybe I have been too indulged in this entertainment of the world that I forgot to keep the balance of the world and the hereafter.
It is never wrong to engage with entertainment like music and other stuff as well but not too much that I would start to forget Him. His death was an eye-opening moment for me. And of course, as a humble servant of Him, these eyes and mind that were granted by Him can only see and understand very little to what was happening in this world, but He is The All-Knowing, The Omniscient and that He loves when His servant praying to Him a lot.
I am forever grateful to be able to write this and Alhamdulillah, I am a little bit okay now. My sole purpose of writing this was just to write what I felt, but of course, we should vent it all out in our prayers first. This post might be deleted in the future because there was really no main purpose of me writing this. I am that kind of person who would draw or write to vent out something. Other people would also have their own style, right?
Still, thank you for reading this. If you wanted to comment anything, advice or whatever, just comment down below or you could also reach out to me through my email in the About section. That's all from me, insha-Allah I would write more but because I have procrastinate with my work, so I'm not really sure too, bye!! ^^