"My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me and that what misses me was never meant for me''

Umar ibn Al-Khattab

Tuesday, 30 October 2018

When I Am Not Myself Anymore :(

Assalamualaikum and hye there! Goodness, it's been so long oh my god I feel like I'm gonna cry so hard!! It's been so long since my last post and I feel truly frustrated with myself.

Months spent for studying or specifically aiming to reach 4 flat is damn so hard but yeah I tried and worked for that even though I'm not sure whether it all would worth it or not. You know, the moment when you worked hard for something but as soon as it ends you just feel not sure anymore and you would start doubting yourself because suddenly you just realised that your effort is just not enough and you just didn't try your very best at that time and then everything would fall off and you just feel like your dreams shattered and that you won't gonna make it :(((

Yes, that's exactly what I feel right now. It's not that I'm unmotivated or what but it's just that I'm letting go what I love to do for another thing where others think it's priority even though I'm the one who's going to decide my own future. During those three, four months, I've changed a lot. I stopped reading any books. I isolated myself from my friends (not all of them but this includes those who want to help me). I refused any help and I looked at my friends as my enemies! I thought that they would be happy if I fail, that they would leave me alone for the sake of success but it's the otherwise.

I'm the one leaving them and that's very awful. My relationship with my friend turned bad and it's gotten worse day by day. I'm easily intimidated by my friends too and I hated it when they advised me anything even though they were right and I was wrong. I totally lose myself at that time and it was so unprofessional of me to be like that >.< I feel guilty too because they don't deserve that, you know? They don't deserve the bad treatment I gave them.

However they are such great friends ^^ They helped me and they never stopped helping me in those rough times. I'm just so grateful that I have these kind of friends. They are not my enemies, they are my friends and the enemy is actually myself. Look, we don't have to be the other kind of us, you know, the bad side of us. Each one of us have both the good and the bad sides but the choice is ours and we have the power to change for the good of ourselves and for others. That's why, I'm so grateful for what I have right now, for the challenges that I went through, for the pain and the tears, everything worth it all.

During the examination, I have already mindset myself that 4 flat is not everything and that I told myself over and over again that I have done my best. So that in the end, there's nothing to be regretted.

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