"My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me and that what misses me was never meant for me''

Umar ibn Al-Khattab

Monday, 16 March 2020

What happen in 200 days since the last post?

Assalamualaikum and hi! ^^
Masha-Allah it's been so long, I couldn't believe myself. I left my precious blog for 200 days. Wow, I never expected that the days passed would be this long, I thought maybe it was just around 150 days but wow, it has already exceed 150 and today, when I opened my blog again because there was a kick in my gut, telling me to write something, I really didn't expect it to be this long.

I am so grateful to be here, I am so grateful to be alive and healthy, together with my family, Alhamdulillah. I hope everyone is safe too and always be careful regarding the disease that has hit our country and other countries as well, I hope you guys will always stay strong and to never lose hope. I know the situation is really hard and I could not imagine what would happen to me if I am at your shoes now but I have never stop praying for the best and Insha-Allah things will get better, Insha-Allah.

As for my life journey, I was hit from all directions, from my left, my right, from above and from below but I am still here, I'm alive and I survived those days, the days where I'm about to lose my mind, the days where I chose to give up, the days where I believed darkness was to befall only upon me, Masha-Allah, I survived and I am so grateful to be given this chance, for the strength Allah has provided me with, Alhamdulillah.

One day, I was so upset, I thought of my existence as a mistake. I was so frustrated but I could never blame anyone except myself. I blamed myself for being so weak, for being so vulnerable, so fragile and hoped to just begone the next day but there I am, breathing and alive, despite the pain that I brought with in my heart. The pain that I brought along from the past, that I could never let go due to the feeling of guilty, the feeling of undeserved, the feeling of unwanted and for one moment, I was so ashamed of myself. I felt so disappointed with myself so I just spent my time crying after I have finished my classes and then I would sleep for a while before continue doing my work.

Despite those hardships I'm facing through, it would be a lie if I told you that I didn't think about harming myself. I did think about that but I'm just wondering, why am I still alive the next day and that my days still went smoothly, i.e., my work has been completed, I have no problem with my lecturers and my friends still invite me to eat together even though they knew I would likely to decline their invitation, but that dying feeling would creep up to me every night, making it harder for me to sleep and even if I could sleep, that would be just for two or three hours and then I would be widely awake at 4 a.m.

Eventually, the pain, the sadness and the ache that I felt in my heart was gradually disappearing and going away but I kept telling myself that I should always be aware and be careful. I also realized how this feeling started to go away and Alhamdulillah I knew I should have done this earlier and also I realized I should be strong in both the inside and outside and that crying does not mean it was my fault. Sometimes I cried because that was the only way of staying sane and calm because after I cried, I would feel a little relieve and then I could focus back on what I should have focused on about.

Alhamdulillah, now I am so much more positive, I learnt from my mistake, I changed my attitude and I controlled myself. That's how I endure the challenges and trained myself to be responsible and reasonable even at times where discussion would lead nowhere. Thank you Allah for the challenges, the prosperity and all that You have showered me with. Thank you for the people who came in my life and stay, thank you for the people who came in my life and leave, thank you for the people who put me down, the people who doubt me, the people who allegedly helping me to reach this point in my life, I am so thankful. You guys are the worst but you guys have helped me to become a stronger person than the first time I forcefully dragged my feet here. For the sake of knowledge, I stayed. I endured. I hold onto whatever things that could help me to go on.

All in all, I am happy with myself now. I may slip, I may fell, I may trip but Allah has never left me alone along the journey and He never will.

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